YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
