Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
