i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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