college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
