Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
