I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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