roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
