I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
