no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
