oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
