if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
