Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
