awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
