Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
