I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
