six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
