i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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