the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
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