I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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