You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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