He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
