He uses pillows to masturbate.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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