Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
