someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
