Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
