dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
