Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
