If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
