This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
