So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
