I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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