I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
