the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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