I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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