I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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