Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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