genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
