i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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