I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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