So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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