I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
