I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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