i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
