He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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