I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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