Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
