I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
