Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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