Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
