I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Even my vagina gasped.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
