ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
