Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
