I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
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